High-Functioning Anxiety

anxiety1 Have you ever read something and thought ‘How did this person get in my head?’

Today I found an article via To Write Love on Her Arms simply called, ‘Living With High-Functioning and Hidden Anxiety‘ on The Mighty.

It was like reading a journal I’d written myself, if I was, you know, highly articulate and much more insightful about myself than I probably am.

The panic that flashes through my eyes when a plan changes. When anything changes.

Last week, my SO tried to change the way our table faced. It wigged me out. I had to ask him to change it back, pretty much immediately.

my body is confusing answering an email with being attacked by a lion.


No one here likes you.

Oh yeah, I’ve had that track on repeat for years. 

It’s always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy. Writing. Running. List-making. Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy). Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen. Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head.

This never really occurred to me. Do I run two monitors and sometimes wish I had three because of this? Do I play a game, read an article and watch TV all at once just to shut an inner dialogue up?

It’s always being busy but also always avoiding, so important things don’t get done. It’s letting things pile up rather than admitting you’re overwhelmed or in need of help.


so often find yourself standing in a room where it feels like no one knows you.

Is that what that feeling is? That weirdly sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when faced with a social event?

It’s when answering a text impulsively and thoughtlessly is an act of bravery.

anxiety2 Has this person been watching me? Most replies, except for those select few I feel very comfortable with, are carefully measured. They’re written, read and re-read, then a pause while hovering over the send button.

Getting taken by a flight of fancy or a spat of anger and firing off anything hastily results in a panicked rush to the outbox, to review just how much “damage” I just did.

Spoiler alert: None.

High anxiety can be a natural consequence of a busy lifestyle, but its existence is akin to the chicken and the egg. Which came first, the anxiety or the busyness? Am I always moving because I’m anxious or am I anxious because I’m always moving?


Origins: Keep Calm and Carry On

The ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ posters exploded in popularity just about everywhere a couple of years ago. Posters, cushions, cups, endless decor was all available with the message. With the onslaught of merchandise came the modified versions of the slogan, including this ‘swag’ abomination.

keep calm swag

What I didn’t realise initially was that the original, ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’, has a deep and important history behind it, one that was eventually discovered entirely by chance.

It was late 1939 and war had broken. The British Government formed the Ministry of Information (MOI), to be responsible for information and propaganda during the war. They were tasked with creating morale boosting posters to be distributed.

It sounds like something out of George Orwell’s 1984, and the original posters even look like something Orwellian, but in a much cheerier way, I suppose. Two posters were designed by the MOI, featuring the crown of King George VI and a simple but eye-catching font. These were distributed on public transport, shop windows and noticeboards throughout Britain.
article-2105518-11E1B9A2000005DC-994_306x423 The first of the posters reads: ‘Your Courage, Your Cheerfulness, Your Resolution will Bring Us Victory’.

Original copies of this, and the second poster, were found in the possession of someone who hadn’t had a chance to put them up before the threat of invasion from Germany had waned.

He now probably holds the world’s only stock of the original posters, which measure 45”x32”.


article-2105518-11E1B936000005DC-525_306x423 The artwork on all posters expired after 50 years, meaning that the artwork is now in the public domain, which partly explains the enormous amount of merchandise we see today.

The second poster released during the war reads: ‘Freedom is in Peril Defend it with all your might’.

These were the only original posters displayed publicly during the war.

The third, and arguably most famous poster created, is the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ version. This was never seen during the war as it was specifically designed for use only upon the German invasion of Britain. As the invasion never took place, the third poster was never officially released.

At the end of the war in 1945, it’s believed most of the ‘Keep Calm’ posters were destroyed. It wasn’t until 60 years later that an employee of Barter Books found a copy hidden amongst a collection of books that had been bought at an auction.


Almost lost to history, little is known about the original poster or its creator. However, the National Archives and the Imperial War Museum in London have a small number of copies, as well as the small number held that were not pinned up prior to the war ending.

Much more than a marketing gimmick, ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ sums up the British during the war. It’s a life motto and I cringe a little when I see the tacky revisions (I’m looking at you, Keep Calm and Starbucks…).

History Mystery: The Pied Piper of Hamelin

oldest-known-picture-of-the-Pied-Piper I was surprised recently to find out that there’s a little more to the old fairy-tale The Pied Piper of Hamelin than just a tall tale to tell children.

The story has a number of versions, but the version I was familiar with is as follows:

The town of Hamelin had a pest problem, and when a mysterious man appeared and offered to rid the city of its rats in exchange for a sum of money, the town agreed. The man took a fife out of his pocket which attracted all the rats and mice, who surrounded him. Once he had gathered them all, he led them to a nearby river and walked into the water. The pests followed him and drowned.

Now that the town was free of its problem, they no longer wanted to pay the mysterious stranger for his deed. Turned away without payment, he left, only to return with his fife. Only this time, it was not pests that were drawn to him, but the town’s children. He led the children away from the town and into the mountains, never to be seen again.

The Pied Piper is said to have visited Hamelin in 1284. The citizens of Hamelin recorded the event in their town register and even had the following inscription in the town hall:

In the year 1284 after the birth of Christ
From Hameln were led away
One hundred thirty children, born at this place
Led away by a piper into a mountain.

And on the new gate was inscribed: Centum ter denos cum magus ab urbe puellos
duxerat ante annos CCLXXII condita porta fuit.

[This gate was built 272 years after the magician led the 130 children from the city.]

In 1572, the Mayor ordered the story to be portrayed in the church windows and a coin was minted in memory of the event. The stained window was destroyed in 1660, but several written accounts have survived:

“In the year of 1284, on the day of Saints John and Paul on June 26, by a piper, clothed in many kinds of colours, 130 children born in Hamelin were seduced, and lost at the place of execution near the koppen.”

The following is the very first statement in the written records of Hamelin:

It is 100 years since our children left.

The tale was retold by the brothers Grimm in 1816, a preview of which can be seen here. Versions of a similar story can be found from Brandenburg, Erfurt, the Island of Ummanz, Austria, Denmark, England and Syria.

Given the repeated recording of this event in history, and the naming of the street Bungelosenstrasse (street without drums), you have to wonder: did the people of Hamelin encounter something that evolved to the tale we know today? Is there more to this fairy-tale than a spooky story to frighten children?


The Epidemic Theory

darker-pictures-of-Pied-Piper-of-Hamelin One theory suggested by historians is that the children became ill, and were buried by the townspeople in a large common grave – referred to as the “mountain” in the story.

It’s possible that the reason rats are present in the story we know today is because the children suffered from a disease spread by rodents – perhaps an early version of the Black Death.

There are a couple of problems with this theory – namely, if the children were sick, how did the adults manage to evade illness so successfully that a single instance isn’t recorded?

The Crusades Theory

In another disputed even from history, The Children’s Crusade refers to a crusade in 1212 by European Christians to expel Muslims from the Holy Land.

Traditionally, these stories take place after a young child claims he has been visited by Jesus and instructed to lead a Crusade to convert Muslims to Christianity.

It’s possible that a young person in Hamelin successfully convinced the majority of children to follow him or her on an ill-fated crusade.

While the existence of the Children’s Crusade has been debated since the 70’s, the consideration of such an event is important in the tale of the Pied Piper.

The Emigration Theory

By the 13th century, the area was over-populated, resulting in the eldest son inheriting the land and power, leaving the rest of the family without.

Historical records show the people from Hamelin did help settle parts of Transylvania, and it’s possible “the children of Hamelin” refers not only to the youngest, but to all former citizens.

There has also been some speculation that the “Pied Piper” sold the children to a recruiter from the Baltic region of Eastern Europe – not an uncommon practice at the time. This could possibly explain why an emigration was not explicitly recorded.

“After the defeat of the Danes at the Battle of Bornhöved in 1227,” explains Udolph, “the region south of the Baltic Sea, which was then inhabited by Slavs, became available for colonization by the Germans.” The bishops and dukes of Pomerania, Brandenburg, Uckermark and Prignitz sent out glib “locators,” medieval recruitment officers, offering rich rewards to those who were willing to move to the new lands. Thousands of young adults from Lower Saxony and Westphalia headed east. And as evidence, about a dozen Westphalian place names show up in this area. Indeed there are five villages called Hindenburg running in a straight line from Westphalia to Pomerania, as well as three eastern Spiegelbergs and a trail of etymology from Beverungen south of Hamelin to Beveringen northwest of Berlin to Beweringen in modern Poland.

Additionally, genealogist Dick Eastman discovered a trend in the Polish phonebooks:

Linguistics professor Jurgen Udolph says that 130 children did vanish on a June day in the year 1284 from the German village of Hamelin (Hameln in German). Udolph entered all the known family names in the village at that time and then started searching for matches elsewhere. He found that the same surnames occur with amazing frequency in Priegnitz and Uckermark, both north of Berlin. He also found the same surnames in the former Pomeranian region, which is now a part of Poland.

Udolph surmises that the children were actually unemployed youths who had been sucked into the German drive to colonize its new settlements in Eastern Europe. The Pied Piper may never have existed as such, but, says the professor, “There were characters known as lokators who roamed northern Germany trying to recruit settlers for the East.” Some of them were brightly dressed, and all were silver-tongued.

So while the magical instrument and lure of a lone mysterious man may not have occurred, the history we are able to piece together suggests that a large group of people – not necessarily only children – did leave Hamelin at the same time as the Pied Piper is said to have arrived.

Was the Pied Piper the citizens’ symbolic way of recording Death, after losing their children to sickness or starvation?

Was he a recruiter, a pagan who sold or took their children away?

Or was a town ambiguously recording a mass emigration after a serious over-population problem?

Magic or not, history and written records support that the people of Hamelin did in fact leave or go missing in considerable numbers in the 13th century, a truth that makes the fairy-tale all the darker.

Further Reading


The Pied Piper of Hamelin (and related legends from other towns)

The Disturbing True Story of the Pied Piper of Hamelin

Hamelin – Tourism

History vs Myth – Pied Piper

Origins: Sweet FA

Origins of words and phrases are a point of interest for me, leading me to stumble across the surprising origins of “sweet FA”.

sweet_fa-Fanny-AdamsOriginating from the slang “fanny adams”, meaning mutton, stew or anything worthless, used by British seamen in 1869.

Current use is largely “sweet fuck all” and the meaning remains the same – nothing, worthless.

Fanny Adams was very much a real little girl living in Alton, Hampshire in 1867.

Fanny was only 8 years old on the 24th of August, 1867 when her mother gave her permission to go up to Tanhouse Lane with her friend (Minnie) and younger sister (Elizabeth).

There they met a 29-year-old clerk, who offered Minnie and Elizabeth three halfpence to spend, while offering Fanny a halfpenny if she would accompany him a couple of miles north of Alton, towards Shalden. Fanny accepted the halfpenny but initially refused to accompany the man, who then picked her up and carried her into a nearby field, out of sight of Minnie and Elizabeth.

By 5:00PM, Minnie and Elizabeth had returned home and were questioned by a neighbour regarding Fanny’s whereabouts. Both the neighbour and Fanny’s mother went to Tanhouse Lane. They met the clerk, but after questioning him and finding him to be respectable, they believed his story of giving the girls some sweets and that was all.

By 7:00PM, Fanny was still missing. More neighbours joined the search. They found Fanny’s violently mutilated body in the field.

. Her head and legs had been severed and her eyes removed. Her eyes had been thrown into the River Wey. Her torso was dismembered and the entire contents of her chest and pelvis had been torn out and scattered across the hop field, with some internal organs found further slashed or mutilated.

The police arrested the clerk – Frederick Baker – that very evening. Witnesses and colleagues placed his whereabouts in the area, not returning to the office until 3:00PM. His work colleague reported that while drinking, Baker had mentioned leaving town. The colleague questioned the difficulty he might face getting another job, to which Baker replied: “I could go as a butcher”.

On the 26th of August, Baker’s diary entry from the 24th was discovered. It read:

24th August, Saturday – killed a young girl. It was fine and hot.

Despite Baker’s protests of innocence and his defence arguing insanity and claiming the diary entry was not a confession, he was found guilty by the jury in just 15 minutes.

Baker was executed on Christmas Eve of 1867.

Fanny-AdamsFanny’s headstone reads:

Sacred to the memory of Fanny Adams aged 8 years and 4 months who was cruelly murdered on Saturday August 24th 1867.

Fear not them which kill the body but are not able to kill the soul but rather fear Him which is able to destroy both body and soul in hell. Matthew 10 v 28.

The phrase “Sweet Fanny Adams” didn’t come in to use until 2 years later, in 1869.

New rations of tinned mutton were introduced to British seamen at this time. The introduction left the seamen unimpressed, leading them to suggest the tins might contain the grisly remains of Fanny Adams.

“Fanny Adams” (or sweet F.A.) soon became slang for mutton, stew and eventually anything considered worthless. In 1889, the phrase was recorded as:

“Fanny Adams (naval), tinned mutton”

It’s unclear when Fanny Adams evolved to “fuck all”, although stating a correct date is difficult to pinpoint thanks to the politeness of written record until the 20th century.

Walter Downing, an Australian soldier who fought in Europe in the First World War, wrote an glossary of WWI soldier’s slang called Digger Dialects in 1919. He is the first to record the link between F.A. (meaning ‘fuck all’) and Fanny Adams:

“F.A., ‘Fanny Adams’, or ‘Sweet Fanny Adams’ – nothing; vacuity.”


Eugenia Falleni – Australian History

This morning I happened to find myself reading about the marriages, lives and deaths of a handful of people from early 1900’s Australia – but it was no ordinary story.

Instead I found a story about both murder and attempted murder, all in the name of keeping a secret.

eugenia_246x550 Eugenia Falleni left home – and a disapproving family – behind to masquerade as Eugene Falleni, and take on work as a cabin boy. Previously, she had spent her teenage years dressing as a man to secure jobs in brickyards and stables.

Her true gender was revealed on board the ship after a drunken slip in conversation with the captain. Unable to convince the captain, Eugenia soon found herself not only shunned by the others on-board (it was considered bad luck to have a female on a ship), but soon found herself being repeatedly raped by the captain. In 1898, Eugenia was pregnant and dumped on the shores of Newcastle, Australia.

That year her daughter – Josephine Crawford Falleni – was born, and given to an Italian-born woman to take care of. Shortly after Josephine’s birth, Eugenia took on a new, male identity of Harry Leo Crawford.

Falleni (now Crawford) continued to take on manual jobs – at the meatworks, the pub and the rubber factory). In 1912, Falleni was employed in Wahroonga (northern Sydney) and met his employer’s housekeeper, Annie Birkett.

Annie had been widowed with a 13-year-old son to support some years before, and when they left Wahroonga for Balmain, Falleni followed them. In 1913, Falleni and Birkett were married and moved to Drummoyne.

All witnesses involved in the case – including Falleni herself – have stated that Annie was unaware her husband was not biologically male for most of their marriage. In fact, it is claimed Annie was completely unaware of this until shortly before her death in 1917 – four years after they were married!

“During those 22 years, Harry legally married twice,” says Mark Tedeschi a New South Wales Crown Prosecutor and Author. “Neither wife was aware they were married to anything other than a full-blooded Aussie male.”

“Clearly, his two wives never saw Harry in the nude. But they had an active sex life.”

The marriage was going well until Josephine – Falleni’s daughter – tracked Falleni down and let slip to the neighbour the secret of Falleni’s identity. Records suggest this is how Annie discovered the truth about her husband.

In early October, 1917, Falleni and Annie took a picnic down to Lane Cove River. According to Falleni’s later statements, the couple had another argument, where Annie indicated she was planning to leave after discovering that “her husband is a woman”. At this point, the records I’ve come across are divided. Some say Falleni struck Annie over the head with a rock, while others suggest Annie slipped, fell backwards, and hit her head, losing consciousness.

By most accounts, though, this wasn’t enough to kill Annie. Falleni panicked at the sight and in an attempt to hide her body, decided to burn it so that it would be unidentifiable.

“…the body was much charred. No definite marks of violence were found, and the stomach contained much food. There was no smell of alcohol, and the organs of the body were in a healthy condition. Death had occurred… probably due to burns.”

While this is a grisly turn of events, it’s worth noting that Falleni would have been absolutely terrified at this point. Early 1900’s anywhere – let alone Australia – was not a society that was kind to someone who was disguising their gender.

For a time, Falleni’s plan was successful. Annie’s body was found, but unidentified. She was initially buried in an unnamed grave.

Falleni continued life as a free man, telling anyone who asked that Annie had run off with another man. In 1919, Falleni met and married Elizabeth King Allison, and again managed an active sex life with her.

By 1920, Annie’s son had divulged information about Falleni’s actions after her death. Falleni had taken him to a notorious suicide spot and tried to coax him to the edge (presumably to push him off). He was also taken out to scrub land at night and asked to dig a hole. The story led to a police interview, and police arrested Falleni on July 5, 1920.

While under arrest, Falleni requested to be placed in the women’s cells. When questioned about this, Falleni finally admitted the truth – that he was a woman. A check by a police doctor confirmed this.

While searching through his belongings, police found a phallus object made of wood and rubber bound:

[Falleni] said: ‘You will find it, something there that I have been using.’

Detective: ‘What is it, something artificial?’

[Falleni] replied: ‘Yes, don’t let her see it.’

Detective: ‘Do you mean to say that she doesn’t know anything about this?’

[Falleni] said his first wife had not known about it either, ‘Not until the latter part of our marriage.’

Falleni herself became an unwilling spectacle, obsessed over by the press, dubbed the ‘Man-Woman case’.

The prosecution case was to suggest that her duplicity in passing herself off as a man was proof of her immoral nature.

Originally sentenced to death for the murder of Annie Birkett, Falleni’s sentence was reduced and she was released in 1931, with the proviso she lived out the rest of her days as a woman.

She assumed the name “Mrs. Jean Ford” and lived in Sydney until 1938 when she was hit by a car and died the next day in hospital.

The case of Falleni is a sad one – both for Annie Birkett, who unwittingly discovered a secret and ultimately died for it – but perhaps particularly for Falleni herself, who never revealed her reasons for choosing to live her life as a male. But worse of all, she had her deepest and most personal secret revealed to the world, and was subjected to the ridicule and fascination of society, labelled a ‘sex fraud’ and an oddity by the press.

If Falleni was transgender – and nobody seems certain – then her imprisonment continued long after leaving jail, forced to live uncomfortably as a gender she may not have identified with.

Further Reading

Eugenia Falleni – State Records NSW

Discovering Eugenia – SBS